[Altair smirked at Annie's question. Yes he did. No more doom scrolling for you. His eye widened with surprise at Annie's reaction and he smiled as their foreheads touched. Note to self, being bossy sometimes wasn't a bad idea.
His smile fell slightly as he listened. He wished that he could do more to help Annie. He was glad that Annie was honest with him but sometimes seeing her inner struggle beneath her smile was a painful reminder of the friend he failed back home. He didn't want to fail Annie.
His burrow furrowed with a small frown. Now that he thought about it, he didn't know Annie's birthday and he hadn't mentioned his either had he? His birthday was painful for him too and his mouth curved up into a sad smile.]
I haven't celebrated my birthday since I came here either. It's not just mine. My friends and I chose a new one when we got to Earth.
[And it felt wrong to celebrate without them. He could go into the details of that later though. Right now he wanted to support Annie, not dwell on the past and he ran his hand through Annie's hair with a fond smile.]
So does the fact that you were almost tempted mean I get to know when your birthday is? I can't plan something special if I don't know when it is. Or I could just randomly choose a month to spoil you.
[ She wishes that she knew more about his friends. ]
It's not that I hate it now. I'm just so tired with everything this year, I couldn't plan anything. I was just going to go enjoy that guy Trapper's party.
[ She leans into him just a touch. His presence has her distracted from how she feels just a bit. Especially thinking about how Reira has had too many birthdays in this place. It isn't fair. ]
It's Halloween. I don't think you'll have a ton of planning time. It's okay. I'm just going to hit up Trappers party.... yopu don't have to go, I know how you feel about public stuff.
[Altair would gladly tell Annie about his friends. His relationship with Sirius and Bellatrix would be difficult to talk about and some of his friends were gone but they were important to him and just like his home, he wanted to share them with Annie. They made him a better person and made his fate as a shadow mage bearable.
Annie was right. It wasn't fair that Reira had to grow up in a place like this but when was life ever fair. It sounded like Reira had some good friends and sometimes that was the best you could hope for a terrible situation like this.
But all of those thoughts were swept aside by his panic when he found out Annie's birthday was Halloween. Annie was right. That was not a not of time to prepare something! But this was her first birthday as her boyfriend. He wanted it to be special! His mind was frantically racing when when Annie mentioned Trapper's party and his eye narrowed. Maybe he could use that? It wasn't the greatest option but he could make it work.]
Are you sure? I can handle a party if that is what you want.
[Altair wished that he didn't hate parties so much. He hated holding Annie back.]
[ Annie isn't trying to push him away. She just has gotten used to the idea that they don't have a traditional relationship. ]
I don't want you to feel pressured. I was going to just go stag.
[ Annie realizes that sounds weird and when she explains it will sound bad. ]
Stag means going without a date I didn't want you to feel pressured. I heard that there was going to be an "adult" section with drinking and stuff.... I have no idea what your comfort levels are, but I do know you hate parties. After a good party I feel more like me.
[Altair knew Annie wasn't trying to push him away but it still felt like it. What made it worse was that his issues were why Annie couldn't have the traditional relationship she wanted. Altair opened his mouth to argue but he wasn't sure what to say and he looked away as he ran his hand through his hair with a frustrated sigh. After a small period of silence he hesitantly spoke.]
You don't have to think about me all the time you know.
[He loved how considerate she was but sometimes it still felt like too much after the hatred he lived with and he was worried that she sacrificed too much for someone like him.]
I'm not made of glass. I've dealt with parties before and survived.
[Altair stubbornly met Annie's serious look but he kept his frustration to himself so Annie could talk. Why did everyone always try to take care of him? They didn't have to and he didn't deserve it. Annie mirroring his thoughts was too painful and his frustration angrily spilled out.]
You do deserve it and you don't have to sacrifice your happiness for me. I don't want that and I-
[He bit back the I don't deserve it remark. They would just end up going in circles with that.]
I don't want you to change for me. Yes I don't like parties but I can get used to them if they are important to you.
I guess I still feel guilty over... all the things I've failed to do.
[ Annie sniffles, feeling a wave of emotions hitting her. Everyone is always saving her it feels like. Altair has even saved her even though shew has returned the favor.
It has to be like....? Annie rakes her brain before the lessons Slade had tried teaching her settle back in. Think, Dyer. Why does she feel this way? It's not her depression.
Ah, trauma response. ]
A lot of awful stuff has happened to me. Sometimes I blame myself for not being enough to handle it myself. My... birthday kind of started it all. The day after my big party Katie went missing. It was held on the first since it was a Friday, no one realized she was totally gone until Monday even though I got a little worried.
I guess now my birthday makes me a little sad. How can I celebrate when the people I loved so much started getting slaughtered by a madman?
I still want to go to that party. I won't be the focus, and I think I could use a drink after all this mental naval gazing stuff. Maybe it'll help me forget a little.
[Altair stiffened when he heard Annie sniffle. He was remined of the time he made her cry at the auction and he didn't want to her like that again. He was about to apologize for lashing out at her when Annie's words stopped him. There were times he wished they weren't so similar. It was easier to deny his demons when they weren't echoed back at him. But maybe he should start trying to deal with them instead of burying everything? He ran his hand through his hair with a heavy sigh as he tried to organize his thoughts.]
We can't change the past...no matter how much we want to. Worrying about what we might have done differently won't change anything so the best we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to do better next time.
[That was easier said than done. His tail flicked to the side as he pushed that pesky thought aside and continued.]
And your friends deaths were not your fault. There was no way you could have known so please don't tear yourself apart over it. Your friends wouldn't want that. The blame should be solely on the bastard that murdered them. You did nothing wrong.
[He almost left it at that but if Annie was being honest, he should try to be as well.]
I'm not used to people taking care of me. I've had-
[Altair corrected himself with a sad smile]
Chose to rely on myself for so long that is feels strange. Most people back home treated me terribly and I guess I just grew to accept that from everyone so it feels both nice and painful when someone tries to take care of me for once. I know that isn't fair to you or anyone else that is genuinely kind but I can't help feeling a bit bitter and maybe also a bit...guilty.
[He had lost a lot of people that were precious to him and they were all better people than he would ever be. Sometimes he felt like wasn't fair that he survived when they didn't. He kept this particular thought to himself. He knew how Annie felt about losing people and he didn't want to burden her with this and he quickly moved on before Annie could catch on.]
Back home death was celebrated alongside life so as a tribute to our lost home we chose to make our new birthday the same day our home was lost. It made our loss a little less painful and despite everything, we were excited about our new start on Earth and it was nice for a few months. Then our new start became a nightmare. Arrakis and Skylar were killed and it has been a fight for our right to survive ever since. It makes it hard to celebrate when our idealistic dream shattered like that.
[Altair finished with a weary sigh. Talking about everything was hard and he grasped Annie's hand for comfort and he leaned against her with a small smile.]
Drinking is still complicated but even so I definitely could use a drink after this. Just don't let me ask Mana for anything. I've had enough of her "help" lately.
[He means you Maribelle!]
You should go to that party and have fun.
[Maybe he could meet her halfway through the night? He would only be miserable for half the time and Annie would have time to enjoy herself before he might ruin it.]
He was after wealth and power. I would have given him anything he wanted before that. Heck, my Dad could have paid for his schooling with barely any thought. We're pretty loaded.
[ She had loved Dylan, she thought. Annie thinks she loves too easily sometimes. All she can see is the good in people.
Or at least that is the lie she tells herself. She likes a little bit of darkness too. It's easier now to trust people who are honest about their darkness. They seem honest in a way that allows Annie to drop her guard. ]
You prefer taking care of people. You take care of me even when I make it hard.
[ She listens to him. Him leaning against her and grasping her hand causes something in her to just give a little bit. ]
I love you... and I'll try to let you surprise me.
[ Annie giggles at his implications and shifts to rest her face against his shoulder. It's easy to do with him being so much taller. ]
Admit it. Having Maribelle tell you when I need you is useful. She's not that bad.
[If he was willing to kill when there was an easier way he suspected that whatever Annie could give him wouldn't have been enough for him. There could be another reason he chose to kill as well. Maybe he enjoyed it. That thought got a little too close to his serial killer past and Altair quickly pushed that chilling thought aside.
Annie was too quick to see the good in people and while Altair loved that about her, he was also worried it was going to get her hurt again. Now that he knew how much Dylan's betrayal hurt her he wanted to protect her and keep that from that happening again. But he was also worried that he might end being the one that hurts her. She was dating another serial killer after all. It was foolish to hope that it didn't bother her even if she didn't show it.
The sudden warmth brought by Annie's I love you chased away some of his dark thoughts and he hesitantly ran his hair through her hair with a fond smile.]
I love you too and you're worth the effort. Even if you are a gremlin on the network way too often.
[Give your poor boyfriend a break from stress on occasion.
Altair's face wrinkled into a scowl when she brought his attention back to Maribelle. He hadn't forgotten how she made him mess up his painting but he did appreciate having her around to help with Annie. He didn't want to admit it though and his answer was a bit reluctant.]
I guess she isn't bad but a normal therapy pet would have been better. Why does everything have to be twisted here?
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ohmyscream) wrote2020-06-06 01:59 pm
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no subject
His smile fell slightly as he listened. He wished that he could do more to help Annie. He was glad that Annie was honest with him but sometimes seeing her inner struggle beneath her smile was a painful reminder of the friend he failed back home. He didn't want to fail Annie.
His burrow furrowed with a small frown. Now that he thought about it, he didn't know Annie's birthday and he hadn't mentioned his either had he? His birthday was painful for him too and his mouth curved up into a sad smile.]
I haven't celebrated my birthday since I came here either. It's not just mine. My friends and I chose a new one when we got to Earth.
[And it felt wrong to celebrate without them. He could go into the details of that later though. Right now he wanted to support Annie, not dwell on the past and he ran his hand through Annie's hair with a fond smile.]
So does the fact that you were almost tempted mean I get to know when your birthday is? I can't plan something special if I don't know when it is. Or I could just randomly choose a month to spoil you.
no subject
[ She wishes that she knew more about his friends. ]
It's not that I hate it now. I'm just so tired with everything this year, I couldn't plan anything. I was just going to go enjoy that guy Trapper's party.
[ She leans into him just a touch. His presence has her distracted from how she feels just a bit. Especially thinking about how Reira has had too many birthdays in this place. It isn't fair. ]
It's Halloween. I don't think you'll have a ton of planning time. It's okay. I'm just going to hit up Trappers party.... yopu don't have to go, I know how you feel about public stuff.
no subject
Annie was right. It wasn't fair that Reira had to grow up in a place like this but when was life ever fair. It sounded like Reira had some good friends and sometimes that was the best you could hope for a terrible situation like this.
But all of those thoughts were swept aside by his panic when he found out Annie's birthday was Halloween. Annie was right. That was not a not of time to prepare something! But this was her first birthday as her boyfriend. He wanted it to be special! His mind was frantically racing when when Annie mentioned Trapper's party and his eye narrowed. Maybe he could use that? It wasn't the greatest option but he could make it work.]
Are you sure? I can handle a party if that is what you want.
[Altair wished that he didn't hate parties so much. He hated holding Annie back.]
no subject
[ Annie isn't trying to push him away. She just has gotten used to the idea that they don't have a traditional relationship. ]
I don't want you to feel pressured. I was going to just go stag.
[ Annie realizes that sounds weird and when she explains it will sound bad. ]
Stag means going without a date I didn't want you to feel pressured. I heard that there was going to be an "adult" section with drinking and stuff.... I have no idea what your comfort levels are, but I do know you hate parties. After a good party I feel more like me.
no subject
You don't have to think about me all the time you know.
[He loved how considerate she was but sometimes it still felt like too much after the hatred he lived with and he was worried that she sacrificed too much for someone like him.]
I'm not made of glass. I've dealt with parties before and survived.
no subject
[ Annie folds her arms looking serious. ]
I don't want you unhappy. And... you try so hard to take care of the people you care about. How can I not try and take care of you?
[ Let her have this. Or surprise her anyways. ]
I guess. I guess I need to get used to you taking care of me too.
[ Annie looks away. ]
Sometimes I don't think I deserve it.
no subject
You do deserve it and you don't have to sacrifice your happiness for me. I don't want that and I-
[He bit back the I don't deserve it remark. They would just end up going in circles with that.]
I don't want you to change for me. Yes I don't like parties but I can get used to them if they are important to you.
cw: death, mental health introspection
[ Annie sniffles, feeling a wave of emotions hitting her. Everyone is always saving her it feels like. Altair has even saved her even though shew has returned the favor.
It has to be like....? Annie rakes her brain before the lessons Slade had tried teaching her settle back in. Think, Dyer. Why does she feel this way? It's not her depression.
Ah, trauma response. ]
A lot of awful stuff has happened to me. Sometimes I blame myself for not being enough to handle it myself. My... birthday kind of started it all. The day after my big party Katie went missing. It was held on the first since it was a Friday, no one realized she was totally gone until Monday even though I got a little worried.
I guess now my birthday makes me a little sad. How can I celebrate when the people I loved so much started getting slaughtered by a madman?
I still want to go to that party. I won't be the focus, and I think I could use a drink after all this mental naval gazing stuff. Maybe it'll help me forget a little.
(cw: death, survivors guilt)
We can't change the past...no matter how much we want to. Worrying about what we might have done differently won't change anything so the best we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to do better next time.
[That was easier said than done. His tail flicked to the side as he pushed that pesky thought aside and continued.]
And your friends deaths were not your fault. There was no way you could have known so please don't tear yourself apart over it. Your friends wouldn't want that. The blame should be solely on the bastard that murdered them. You did nothing wrong.
[He almost left it at that but if Annie was being honest, he should try to be as well.]
I'm not used to people taking care of me. I've had-
[Altair corrected himself with a sad smile]
Chose to rely on myself for so long that is feels strange. Most people back home treated me terribly and I guess I just grew to accept that from everyone so it feels both nice and painful when someone tries to take care of me for once. I know that isn't fair to you or anyone else that is genuinely kind but I can't help feeling a bit bitter and maybe also a bit...guilty.
[He had lost a lot of people that were precious to him and they were all better people than he would ever be. Sometimes he felt like wasn't fair that he survived when they didn't. He kept this particular thought to himself. He knew how Annie felt about losing people and he didn't want to burden her with this and he quickly moved on before Annie could catch on.]
Back home death was celebrated alongside life so as a tribute to our lost home we chose to make our new birthday the same day our home was lost. It made our loss a little less painful and despite everything, we were excited about our new start on Earth and it was nice for a few months. Then our new start became a nightmare. Arrakis and Skylar were killed and it has been a fight for our right to survive ever since. It makes it hard to celebrate when our idealistic dream shattered like that.
[Altair finished with a weary sigh. Talking about everything was hard and he grasped Annie's hand for comfort and he leaned against her with a small smile.]
Drinking is still complicated but even so I definitely could use a drink after this. Just don't let me ask Mana for anything. I've had enough of her "help" lately.
[He means you Maribelle!]
You should go to that party and have fun.
[Maybe he could meet her halfway through the night? He would only be miserable for half the time and Annie would have time to enjoy herself before he might ruin it.]
no subject
[ She had loved Dylan, she thought. Annie thinks she loves too easily sometimes. All she can see is the good in people.
Or at least that is the lie she tells herself. She likes a little bit of darkness too. It's easier now to trust people who are honest about their darkness. They seem honest in a way that allows Annie to drop her guard. ]
You prefer taking care of people. You take care of me even when I make it hard.
[ She listens to him. Him leaning against her and grasping her hand causes something in her to just give a little bit. ]
I love you... and I'll try to let you surprise me.
[ Annie giggles at his implications and shifts to rest her face against his shoulder. It's easy to do with him being so much taller. ]
Admit it. Having Maribelle tell you when I need you is useful. She's not that bad.
no subject
[If he was willing to kill when there was an easier way he suspected that whatever Annie could give him wouldn't have been enough for him. There could be another reason he chose to kill as well. Maybe he enjoyed it. That thought got a little too close to his serial killer past and Altair quickly pushed that chilling thought aside.
Annie was too quick to see the good in people and while Altair loved that about her, he was also worried it was going to get her hurt again. Now that he knew how much Dylan's betrayal hurt her he wanted to protect her and keep that from that happening again. But he was also worried that he might end being the one that hurts her. She was dating another serial killer after all. It was foolish to hope that it didn't bother her even if she didn't show it.
The sudden warmth brought by Annie's I love you chased away some of his dark thoughts and he hesitantly ran his hair through her hair with a fond smile.]
I love you too and you're worth the effort. Even if you are a gremlin on the network way too often.
[Give your poor boyfriend a break from stress on occasion.
Altair's face wrinkled into a scowl when she brought his attention back to Maribelle. He hadn't forgotten how she made him mess up his painting but he did appreciate having her around to help with Annie. He didn't want to admit it though and his answer was a bit reluctant.]
I guess she isn't bad but a normal therapy pet would have been better. Why does everything have to be twisted here?